I’m sitting alone at Phantom Room during Wayne’s Emo Night, trying to figure out why I’m even responding to a guy that I’ve already dated and hated before. As Gym Class Heroes plays in the background, and I’m quietly singing to myself in the back of the bar, I take a sip of my drink and think about how I feel like a modern day Carrie Bradshaw. Aside from the cigarette in my mouth, I’m thinking and questioning my actions at the current time. Why do I have a hard time severing all ties with idiots I’ve dated?


I’ll catch my guy friends up on some of my dating horror stories and they can’t believe that I even still talk to some of these guys. On numerous occasions my friend Brian has told me to delete a guy’s number, and for some reason I just can’t.


I have phone numbers in my phone of guys I’ve chatted with, went on one date with, and guys that have broken my heart. I can scroll through my contacts and tell you which dating app I met these guys on because there’s an emoji to help me remember. The fire emoji is for Tinder, the bee emoji is for Bumble, and the coffee emoji is for Coffee Meets Bagel. The Carloses are all numbered accordingly. [1]

I have no intention of dating these guys again, so I really don’t know why I do it. Maybe there’s some place deep down in my that thinks that maybe they’ve changed since we last talked. The reality is, it’s going to be very rare that a man over the age of 25 is going to change. Hell, saying 25 is being nice. I know damn well no guy will be able to change me, so I can’t really expect someone else to change.


It may be the emo music that is blaring in the background, but maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic? Or maybe I’m just bored? I could definitely be bored…I’m going to go with bored.


At the beginning though, I very much wanted to make things work. I was young and naive, but I was going to try everything I could to make a guy like me. Originally, I wanted nothing more than to be in a relationship again. I was willing to let a guy treat me poorly if that meant I wouldn’t be alone anymore. I quickly learned that that approach wouldn’t work. I think I ultimately learned that after Carlos #3, the worst of the Carlos. He broke things off with me because I “needed too much attention.” After months of not speaking, he started replying to my Snapchats, and slowly made his way back into my life.[2] When we finally hung out again, he fed me some bullshit about how he wanted to give it another shot and he knows he fucked up blah, blah, blah. It lasted a couple days until he was back to the same shit and ultimately decided to stop talking to me cold turkey.


The second chance is a terrible idea because it’s almost always going to be the same shit. I made the joke to my friends that I was just going to date a 20 year old and mold him into the man I want him to be. The sad thing is, I couldn’t date anyone younger than 24 without feeling like a dirty old lady.


I guess I’ll stop messaging this dude back. I’ll leave him on read and take back some power. Also too because I can hear Brian saying, “Alissa, you gotta delete this guy’s number.” I’m not going to do all that, but I can already tell from our conversation that he’s still the same guy I told to never talk to me again.


[1] For those that don’t know about the Carlos’s, the first 3 guys I dated after my ex were all named Carlos. I have since gotten my count up to 5. Aside from Carlos #1, they’re all terrible men and I immediately judge any guy I meet named Carlos.

[2] This is why I hate Snapchat.



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